Look At The Stars...

THE PUNISHING EGO
SHHH
QUIET DOWN!
I'M TRYYING TO SLEEP

EVEN AFTER A DAY FILLED WITH
SUCCESS
JOY
CONNECTIONS
MY MIND WHIRLS FURIOUSLY

MY MOST RECENT MENTAL POISON?
MARSHALL

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW
AFTER SO MUCH EMPOWERMENT
AND GROWTH
AND TIIIMMMEEE
I'VE COME FULL CIRCLE
AND REALIZE HE'S EXACTLY THE KIND OF MAN
I WANT IN MY LIFE
I WANT TO LIE NEXT TO SOME NIGHTS
I WANT TO EXPLORE WITH

-NOW-

BUT THEN...
HOW COULD I KNOW?
I HATED MYSELF
HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T LOVE HIMSELF
WE WERE TWO BROKEN PEOPLE
TRYING DESPERATELY TO EXPRESS THINGS FOR EACH OTHER
THAT WE DIDN'T FEEL FOR OURSELVES

'UH UH UHHHH' SAYS MY EGO
MARSHALL LOVED YOU LIKE A QUEEN
AND YOU THREW IT IN HIS FACE

SHHH!
LISTEN EGO!

THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS
HIS FIRST LOVE
HIS FIRST FUCK
HIS FIRST HEARTBREAK
HE WAS HEAD OVER HEELS

WE WERE IN DIFFERENT PLACES
I CAN'T BLAME MYSELF
CAUSE I DON'T -WANT- HIM HERE NOW
I DON'T WANT -HIM-
I WANT A MAN WITH MANY OF HIS LOVELY QUALITIES
AAANNNDDD
HIS OVERSIZED COCK IF I'M LUCKYYY
HAHAHA
CAN'T HELP MYSELF

PSYCHIC BACK IN 2004
TOLD ME MANY THINGS IN A DEEP READING
MARSHALL AND I WEREN'T SOULMATES
THAT MARSHALL AND I WOULDN'T LAST
7 YEARS AT MOST
SHE SAID
BUT 'YOU PROBABLY WON'T LAST THAT LONG'
SHE ALSO SAID I WOULD END UP IN NYC
IN FASHION
AND THAT WHEN I WAS IN NYC
I WOULD 'MAKE IT UP TO HIM'

I WENT HOME TO MARSHALL THAT AFTERNOON
AND SOBBED IN HIS ARMS
SHE WAS WRONG - I THOUGHT
MARSHALL LOVES ME
REALLY LOVES ME!

HIS FEELINGS WERE NEVER THE ONES IN QUESTION
I WAS TERRIFIED TO END IT AND BE ALONE
I WAS OUT OF TOUCH WITH MYSELF
I WAS YOUNG
BUT
FOR MOST OUR TIME TOGETHER
HE WAS MY VERY BEST FRIEND
HE WAS MY CHEERLEADER
HE WAS MY BEAUTIFUL LIGHT IN ALL THOSE DARK DAYS
I ADORED THAT MAN

TOMORROW/TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY
HE IS 25
HE FELL IN LOVE WITH ME
WHEN WE WERE 4 OR 5
WE SPENT BETWEEN 4 AND 5 YEARS TOGETHER
AND HE IS SO HURT BY CONTACT WITH ME
THAT I FELT IT BEST NOT TO SEND WISHES THIS YEAR

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARSHALL
YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL YOUNG MAN
SUCH A KIND AND PATIENT HEART
SUCH AN HONEST AND CARING SOUL
I HOPE YOU LOVE YOURSELF TODAY
YOU ARE PERFECT
YOU ARE A DANCING MACHINE
YOU ARE MISSED
: x